4uisinganddance

You know how there are those days where something just sparks a time to sit back and just think. I have had one of those days.

It almost feels like I have been sitting back watching my life as it comes. I have had those days where it just feels like I'm not even really truly here and that its someone else playing my part.

My life has been stressful to say the least. I feel like the longer I'm gone the more I'm slowly losing my best friend. I've been through so much with so many different people and then the one person I believe I can actually count on, I come to find out I cant.

I'm sitting up here going I have everything planed out for the next year and then one phone call changes my whole plan. One curve ball after another. I just am thankful that I have other options.
I just have to finally come out and say what I'm feeling not to mention never plan things that far in advance.
On a beautiful note I got to talk to an old friend for 2 hours the other day, and Frankly I haven't felt that happy to talk to a friend in a long time.
Weeding people out of my life has been hard but its been coming. I just cant wait till I get to spend time with those that I truly care about.

I wanna go back to the friends I made because they were Ricky's.I had more fun with them then I have had with my own friends. They aren't best friends but at least I know they are gonna treat me with Respect and be kind about things and tell me stuff to my face.

I have no respect for people who beat around the bush to make some one happy.
Just be a respectful person and tell them the truth. Its not that hard. Who cares if they are mad. If they really care about you they will come back.

True Friends will stab you in the back at least once, but its the out come that shows who they really are.

I break away from every situation like this one most times, baby
But since you been 'round here, I've given in, my dear,
To your captivation daily
Well I'm not the type
Who gets voted most likely to be victimized
By those old butterflies
But you're the exception,
Your love is infectious,
The fever is climbing high

I hope you don't mind if I fall asleep on your shoulder
Now, turn out the lights and let the night begin
I hope it's alright if you're still mine when we're older,
Cause I won't spend another day wondering what might have been

No, no, no

I was so cynical,
Just inconvincible,
Nobody seemed worth trusting
But sure enough, just when
I'd near given up,
You appeared there among the destruction yeah,
Well now its official,
I've lost my initial suspicions
And skepticism yeah,
You got me caving in,
Feeling the craving,
I see now what I'd been missing, yeah

I hope you don't mind if I fall asleep on your shoulder
Now, turn out the lights and let the night begin
I hope it's alright if you're still mine when we're older,
Cause I won't spend another day wondering what might have been

Oh, yeah
You got my permission to
Break the tradition, yeah
No limited editions
This is a persistent
Change of disposition
No more inhibitions
Cause I don't want to spend my life wishing,
No, no, no, no, no
No, no, no,
No, no, no
Don't you know?

I hope you don't mind if I fall asleep on your shoulder
Now, turn out the lights and let the night begin
I hope it's alright if you're still mine when we're older,
Cause I won't spend another day wondering what might have been

I hope you don't mind if I fall asleep on your shoulder
Now, turn out the lights and let the night begin
I hope it's alright if you're still mine when we're older,
Cause I won't spend another day wondering
I won't spend another day wondering
I won't spend another day wondering
What might have been?

No, no, no, no, no
Might have been, babe
Well might have been

I cant help thinking I want to write.
I want to be able to get it all out.
Every emotion I've felt.
The way you have treated me.
I can no longer keep it bottled up.

You Hurt me.
You took me into your hands and you Killed my spirit.
So much I gave you.
I put my all into the Relationship and I came out broken.
So many times you played the victim yet it was always an act.
How could you?
Did you think so little of the friendship that you chose to end it?

I cant believe I ever considered you a friend.
I can truly say you changed for the worst.
Your not the person you were 3 years ago.
Your a gossip and a backstabber.
You are not even the slight bit considerate of those around you.
You make everyone around you believe that you are such a wonderful person
but guess what? I got to know the real you.
Trust me sweetie its not pretty.
You have a heart of stone and I feel sorry for those around you that you trick
with your poisonness smile.

My perception of you was tainted but no longer.
Those you have put down and sought to destroy are those who are the true friends.
You've Fucked up your life really good this time and guess what?
I'm not going to be there for you.
I'm done with being your back up.
I'm sorry sweetie if this offends you but babe Its be a long time coming and you knew it.
You have killed the friendship and I no longer want to participate is your games of deception.
I'm done with you.
You are no longer a friend,
I no longer know you and I no longer wish to hear your name.
You brought this on yourself.
I hope you understand and dont take this to personally.
So this is my final goodbye.
Dont try and contact me I wont be here.
Have a good life and try not to poison anymore around you.
I hope they see the you I got to see.

Sincerely
Rachel

Im tired of saying im fine and im okay. I'm not, my heart is broken and is still breaking. My reasons for smiling are only 3 but they seem to be going down from there. I just want the smile I show to be true and not a mask hinding the pain.

So vacations are good. Great for relaxing and getting to know people. Well I have had my share of relaxing and I did just recently get to know some great people. Which i am hanging out with almost all of today and tonight. They leave tomorrow and I leave friday. Im ready to come home. I miss my friends, I miss my boy and I miss sleeping in my own bed in my own house with my baby. I just am ready for my home. I want to see my second family and I want to go spend the nights hanging with friends and being crazy. Basically I just want to say

I MISS YOU ALL!!!

Okay so I just got done reading for about a half hour of all these different girls, who are like 120 or smaller wanting to lose wait!
Hell most people shouldnt be under 120 at least not under 110! I cant even begin to understand why people who 1. are afraid of developing an eating disorder 2. are already super skinny 3. who have already been in rehab for having an eating disorder 4. who think its cool. Are still doing things that are so dangerous to their bodies. They in essence are killing themselves even faster. All these posts that people do about eating like 400 calaries a day, fasting for a week just for the sack of a few pounds is beside me.
yeah okay im a girl who isnt the smallest or the most healthy talking but at least I have learned to love my body and wont go to extremes to make myself look thinner. Yeah being 180 right now at my heaviest weight i still dont want to go to another extreme to be my old self of 125. Though I know in my head people would like me better. Still Im not going back into the eating dissorder.
God it just makes me so fucking angry that our world today is teaching and influencing girls and boys for that matter to be so freaking skinny.
ITS NOT BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Thats what i want to scream. God this one girl posted pictures of Kelly Clarkson when she was a little bigger saying this is why i dont want to eat. My god she is a beautiful woman even when she is a little heavier BECAUSE, she knows how to keep her body looking good and lean by working out and EATING right.
You dont need to starve your self to be skinny. But I guess most girls just really dont understand that concept. God i cant understant. I guess just from being there and having gone through that its just doesnt make me happy to see girls doing so much damage to their bodies.
It really makes me sad more so then angry.
I guess my question is..
WHY?

"L.G. Fuad"

Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life..
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)





Okay So i got to thinking about this song. Those of you who have heard it probably think its kinda weird but to me it really makes me think.
Like the first two verses really have applied to me in the last year or two. I have really learned to love the lie, and I have committed social suicide. But now its my time to change. Im going to a new place and I've got new people around me. Then I start to think. The thing im going to be doing a lot of Its like im going to be two different people. On one side the dancer. The girl who goes around walking funny, spending her free time in a dance studio, wearing tights long skirts flip flops and little shirts over my outfit. The one who eats only salads and only that thats healthy for me. Spending my time going to ballets reading books and practicing my Technique and just breathing ballet. The other part of me is going to be the artsy part. Constantly quoting for plays. Wearing converse, glasses and kinda in a way being emo. Analyzing everything and just spending time being a loner in a way.

Yeah i can pull of both sides of this person, more so the dancer, but hey its going to be hard. Just coming for being in the "cool" crowd. My friends and I were considered the "Mean Girls" of my school. If you were to pick characters for each of us there be me as gretchen, and the others would be so on. We even had our Aaron Samuels. That's right we were the people who thought everyone loved us but yet most people hated us. See I want to change all that. Now I can. The question then stands.
Do I want to change or stay the person I was? -> well I want to change. I don't want to be the bitch everyone hates.
SO....
How is this going to come about? -> well I can play the part. It's all a matter of Masks. I can put that one on. Its super easy.
But, dont you really want to be the part? -> yeah more then anything. Im a person who like to fit in and be in the 'Click", but yet at the same time i dont. Those are normally the people that everyone else hates, but they are also the ones that everyone likes and strives to be.

That's when I realize. That's all I have ever done. Tried to be the cool,popular or what ever you want to call it. That is the person i strive to be. I want to please everyone and leave myself till the end.

Is that right? No! No way. But that is the society that we live in today. So why cant I handle trying to just be myself, and let everyone get to know that me.
I have been compared to a cameleon. That's right, I take some time to figure out what everyone is like then all i do is start to blend in. That way I dont have to seem different. No longer will i be labeled as the fat girl, the strange one, or any other name a person wants to name me.

So I guess the question of the evening is....

Should I conform or should I dare to stand out?